Victoria Grace Nation

It’s early in the morning and I’m fighting back the urge to go back to sleep by sluggishly milling about until I remembered the Colonix! Oh shit! I ran to the kitchen and swallowed the 2 instructed capsules. Once you snap open the jar, you can smell the garlicy smell of the capsules. Actually maybe it’s the tumeric but it smells like an Indian ethnic spice shop. Oh well I swallow the pills and drink an additional 8oz of water as instructed. Actually I had 2 cups of WARM water since its good practice to start your day with a huge thing of warm water to cleanse your system. The instructions said I had to wait a few minutes before i can take the Colonix fibre, so I go and brush my teeth, wash my face, the usual morning routine. I come back to take the fibre. I open the plastic jar and I can’t help get a huge woft of of granola and artificial banana flavour, sort of like those overly sweet banana muffins you can get at cheap truck stops. Yes the ones that say muffin, but is sweet as a cupcake and is packaged like a Twinkie? Ya those! So I take half a scoop of this fibre thing which I’ve mentioned before that it looks like the lovechild between grounded flaxseed/oatbran and whey protein. Half a scoop is probably the equivalent of a tablespoon? It’s not much! But whatever! I mixed it with 1/4 of milk, mixed it up and drank it as “quickly as possible” as the instructions says. Then more water.


At this point I’ve had 4 cups of water and I’ve been up for less than 20 minutes. This is something that my usual pea-sized bladder would have to get use to. I’m feeling good at this point, waited a few more minutes before I ate breakfast. There’s no diet restrictions for this detox program, but just to make myself feel better, I decided to just decrease my carb and meat intake by A LITTLE and increase my vegetable and water intake. =D I feel a sense of pride coming on right now and possibly self-gratification…oh right sorry I’m glancing too far ahead. Woops.


So lets fastfoward to the evening, it’s time to enjoy the Keritea. I tear open the foil like bag and went to retrieve a tea bag. I can smell the cinnamon and chamomile once I opened it, actually, the smell is quite soothing. There’s a hint of citrus in there or something that seem to make me salivate and get thirsty. I was pretty disappointed when I took the tea bag out, it looked cheap. Bah. Steeped it in hot water for 3+ minutes even though it said you should only steep it for 2 in the beginning…okay I was on Facebook and I ended up forgetting! By the time I went back to my tea it was a deep yellow colour, sort of like yellow/brown piss you’d have when you have Hep B/C. The taste is oh so comforting, I think I can get use to this tea. It says that it helps calm the Nervous System down and will help me sleep…okay that didn’t happen. I couldn’t sleep until 2am and when I was about to fall asleep Dom ends up calling me. Anyways I ended up passing out.


So this morning…I was really hoping to pass something, I didn’t feel anything! I went and took my 2 Paranil Capsules and by my 2nd mug of warm water I felt a slight urge. Turns out it was just gas. =( Went to brush my teeth and got ready for the fibre. By the 3rd-4th mug of warm water (I say mug and not glass because I don’t want to lie and I was using a mug) I felt this urge. It’s not like a “oh shit I’m gonna shit my pants” sort of an urge, but a slight budge in the asshole? HAHHAHAHA okay wow that made me laugh. Okay ya so I pushed one out of me and was sad that it was over. It felt like a little rock has been dislodged out of my ass, and normally my fecal matter is quite nice to pass. Anyways I sat a little longer with InStyle in hand, but nothing came. Okay guess I’m done for now, so went to wipe and went to examine and holy shit! I was expecting a dark, hard lump but nuh uh! It was actually fluffy and murky? Oh god I’m grossing even myself out now, but I couldnt really see it so I flushed, and that’s when I saw the dark kelp like substance floating and whirling around. Wee! I guess it’s doing it’s trick because I’ve never seen my fecal poopies looking like large kelp before!

Over the next little while I will start breaking down Colonix and look at each item in the program and breakdown the key ingredients that make it work. I have basic knowledge and training in holistic/naturopathetic medicine (ie. Ayurveda, Traditional Chinese and Aromatherapy) so I guess I’ll use a bit of that and a bit of the internet to see if this thing works. Here’s the general breakdown of what 1 month supply of Colonix includes as well as the main components that make this system work.

A box of Colonix includes 4 essential items:


[1] Paranil - Liver & Colon Purifying Complex
A plastic container of semi-horsepill wannabes. There are 18 “Proprietary Blends” of herbs and natural plant extracts all grounded up and shoved into a vegetarian capsule made of cellulose. This is the item you take first every single morning starting with 2 capsules and then moving onwards to 4 capsules. The items are suppose to purify the liver and colon.

[2] Colonix - Intestinal Cleanser
A mini plastic tub (the ones that whey protein comes in…but smaller) of what looks to be ground up flaxseed/oat/protein powder. It’s a lot drier and courser to be protein powder but it’s much too fine to be ground up flaxseed or oat. So we’ll go between that and say it’s the love child of a 3some gone wrong. Anyways…There’s actually 14 ingredients in here all ground up with “natural” banana flavour and 100% Stevia Extract, a natural sweetner that comes from a plant that’s part of the sunflower family. It it said to have properties of aiding in heartburn, hypertension, blood pressure, diabetes and obesity.


[3] Kleritea - A Special Blend of Herbal Tea for Regularity and Detoxification

A thick bag (the ones coffee grinds go in) of 30 tea bags. The tea bag itself is made of cheap tea bags…you know those cheap ass Lipton/Tetley ones? Ya but worse! There are 12 ingredients in the tea. Okay 11 and lemon flavouring.


[4] Colonix and Toxinout Instructions
A 14 page booklet made up of glossy pages of Toxinout and Colonix introductions, instructions, FAQ’s and upselling that happens throughout the booklet with fine print that tells consumers that Colonix have not been evaluated by the Food adn Drug Adminstration of the U.S.A. and so this is not a drug that diagnoses, treats, cures or prevents diseases. The book has some “tips” for Colonix or Toxinout users but it’s completely laced with marketing in it. I mean who honestly starts a tip with:

We have spent the past decade perfecting the Colonix Program to the point where it has become the most sophisticated cleansing system…

See what I mean? Riight. I thought most tips are short, concise and not trying to prove or sell more shit.


So together with the Paranil capsules, the scoop of Colonix and the Kleritea is suppose to spawn this powerful cleansing power. The key point here is drinking LOTS of water. 2L of clear water, no substitutes.

A few months ago, I was searching for images on Google Images, when I came across a truly hideous picture of some swamp monster. After closer inspection, I realized it was just a picture of someone’s fecal matter that they had posted on the testimony page of the Dr. Natura’s Colonix website.


Colonix is technically the best natural colon cleanser out there on the market today…or so my research told me. If you knew me you would know I have a severe case of ADD leading to Chronic Procrastination when it comes to the internet. If I hear something interesting during a conversation or on the news, I will get a sudden urge to seek my best friend Google and Wikipedia and investigate some more, usually that begins a long journey through the world wide web that start off with looking up on that certain topic, followed by alternate routes to different other related topics.


Anyhoo so I was in awe at the stuff I was reading on this Colonix thing and I realized that I should clean out my insides as well! Okay I did think that, but what pushed me to get it was so I can see all these swamp like monsters come out of my ass and into the toilet bowl and I can snap pix, maybe Twitter Pic it and be a true master of a Twitter Shitter. But on a serious note, I am curious as to see the build-up I have in my system, I mean the best way is the natural way! And with society today, I’m sure 90% of us suffer from heavy build up of fast food junk and disgusting shit (ignore the pun).


So I spent the last little while convincing a handful of people to try it with me, a lot of people agreed but sadly I’m too lazy to follow-up and I decided to just try it out myself and do a group shit if it works! Ya I’m a real champ when it comes to friendship. I digress. I finally got around to ordering a box last week, actually I bought it on e-bay just so I can save $15 (hey! we’re in a recession people!). This was my first time purchasing something off e-bay and I had horrible nightmares about being scammed, but after 1 full week my box of Intestinal Cleanser in a box came!


I was still lethargically rolling around in my bed of goodness when a heavy bang on the door woke me up, followed by quick rings of the doorbell. I looked out my window to see the National Postal Office truck outside my house, “oooh it’s here, it’s here!” I thought to myself. So I threw on my yellow robe hiding the blue Hello Kitty pajamas I had on and went downstairs to open the door. It was pretty late and I didn’t want him to think I was some lazy, un-employed citizen living off of the government, and I really had no time to explain to the man that I just work different hours and because I’m Superman in disguise I get to flake around at my office and walk in at times when people should be having their lunches. Anyways I greeted him with tangled hair and pretended to cough a little so he would think I was just at home sick, but whatever I guess considering the fact that I look like I”m under 20 anyways, he’ll just assume I’m some kid whose ditching school. Wow talk about over analyzing the situation Vics! So the man asked if I was Victoria and even before I finished he shoved the box in my arms and walked off. Ya have a great day too buddy! Sheesh.



I tore the box open and felt a jolt of tear spring up, there it was in all it’s glory. The yellow box that will be scraping out my insides and creating stinky kelp like substances in my toilet bowl. And the relief that e-bay is ACTUALLY a reliable source to go shopping. Yay…n00bie at online shopping FTW!!11


I was running late for work, so I finished getting ready and have decided to start tomorrow. Guess I’ll try and blog each day for this special occasion. Aren’t you readers lucky! I’ll post the box later on tomorrow. NOW I sleep!

My sister called me earlier today and she made me promise to call her once I got home from work around 10pm. She’s currently helping me out with some party prepping for my birthday bash and since my sister is dating one of the most popular guys in the city (in the night life sense that is), she was the perfect person to go to. So amidst the quirky ramblings about being deaf, patiently waiting boyfriends we came to a halt in our jabbering. This is how it went:


Sis: Jie? Whats that word called? It starts with a C?
Me: Uh…what are you trying to say?
Sis: Like I’m not stubborn, but when I make up my mind I just stick to it and I don’t give a shit
Me: Headstrong? Oh a C? Uh I don’t know.
Sis: What is it??
Me: Ok it’s bugging me now *starts listing a bunch of synonyms for stubborn* Okay just because I’m a loser, I’m going to go thesaurus.com this *starts typing into the website*
Sis: Maybe it’s a Chinese word, *starts saying stuff in Chinese*
Me: Is it…*Makes suggestions in Chinese*
Sis: No No
Me: Uh….I’m looking at this list and there’s NOTHING that starts with a C.
Sis: Then what is it?! Starts with a C.
Me: Well I know you’re pretty opinionated.
Sis: YES that’s it! I’m OPINIONATED!
Sis: ….oh ha ha ha that starts with an O not a C

LOL AHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA Oy…..

So I was listening to another one of my radio shows while driving home today and they came up with a list of stuff guys can do to snag the girl. I’m a girl and I’ll bite. Here’s the list and the reasons that she’ll take the bait (reasons why it’ll work by yours truly):


[1] Take her to a Museum/Gallery Opening.
It’ll show her that you can be sophisticated and have class. It’s perfect atmosphere to have a flowing conversation, but it’ll be busy enough for you to stay quiet when you have nothing to say, you can just pretend like you’re admiring the art and think of something quick to say! There’s usually free booze around and you know what that means!! Great ice breaker of course! And if the date goes bad, there’s other girls you can meet there!


[2] Take her Star Gazing.
Take a big blanket, some wine, some aphrodisiac kicking treats and spend the time star gazing and have her cuddle up close to you. It’s cheap….$12 for wine, $5 max for gas…you just need to find a deserted place, park and have her sit on the hood of your car if there’s no field or beach. Some light to set the mood and voila! Girls dig all that emotional, romantic shit and if not she’ll appreciate learning something from you, so make sure to at least know what the Big Dipper is! And yes $12 on wine is sort of above said budget, so I suggest you take a bottle of your room mates stashed alkie.


[3] Be in a Band.
Girls dig guys in a band. The DJ mentioned Mick Jagger getting poon, and all because he’s in the Rolling Stones! I mean have you seen the man?! I wouldn’t call him the “sexiest” man alive…or ever and yet….he still got an abundant amount of lovin’ from the ladies. So uh ya apparently the DJ’s suggested you “lie” or fake a band…hmm….riiight. I think they’re trying to say that girls dig the whole, fame, power, money thing…ya I know girls are shallow gold diggers…okay MOST girls!! =P


[4] Perfect an Accent.
Girls dig accents, so find a “cool/sexy” accent and make sure you sound bloody good. I’m not being racist, but from my knowledge most Asian accents should be avoided. Not saying Mohinder, Vu Truong, or Lee Ping Xiao didn’t get the ladies, just saying when it comes to accents, Fabio the Italian Stallion, Alexandre the French lover, Demetrius the Greek God, or Aidan the Aussie guy just come off as “sexier” to most girls. Think about it. I mean can you imagine a Russel Peters looking at you seductively and in his thick brown accent say “Sombebady gunna get huyt real baad tonight”


[5] Offer her a Ride.
NO not ride you! Geez…dirty minds! Offer her a ride somewhere or back home, it comes off as a chivalrous act and subconsciously makes a girl feel like a princess. Of course this gives you more time to chat with her over some light background music, anything works but rap because nobody likes listening to “slap that bitch and watch her shiver, cuz I got them grills in gold n’ silver” or heavy rock is not suggested either “i cut myself every night to see you bleed, I wish I was 6 feet under” sure doesn’t come off as sane. Of course once you get her home there’s always that invite upstairs for some…uh..coffee.


Alright I’m tired, I know I know I still have all these posts I haven’t posted!

So this morning while I milled about my usual morning routine, I listened nonchalantly at the usual morning radio program I am so accustomed to. They talk about a lot of useless crap that I can usually turn into interesting conversation at work, but as of late it’s been mainly about relationships and dirty sex jokes. But anyways the DJ’s started talking about the new terms and conditions of Facebook. You see I’ve been a FB user before it got popular. I was on it when it was just a simple database of names, when you’re only allowed to sign up if you were part of an association (ie post secondary, large business, etc) I always knew about the terms and conditions about Facebook owning your pictures and information once you put it on Facebook, but I guess I never really gave a crap due to my overpowering sense of vanity and my intense craving for attention usually gets the best of me, so fuck terms and conditions, let the world see pictures of me! But really now, I’m a changed woman, I enjoy my solitary moments and like to be behind the scene. Anyhoo so apparently they changed their terms and conditions as of late, saying that even if you delete posted pictures or items, Facebook still has the right to uphold your pictures & information and use them. WELL double-you-tee-eff! A huge outcry was unleashed by the general public and after I believe a short while after, they had reverted back to the old terms…but it’s clear that it’s just temporary until they figure something out. Pretty much they’re going to find lawyers and see how they can change the wording to the clauses so they can’t get sued when they decide to keep all our information.


Okay so at this point of the radio show, I’m still busy washing my face, sitting on the crapper, you know the usual, when a caller calls in to tell about her story. Apparently a family member of hers (whose in high school by the way) was at a shopping mall when she saw her bloody vacation photo on some ad. It was her in a bikini and it was on some ad at the mall. Of course she was flabbergasted, the only place she has that picture stored is on her computer and on Facebook. So really now, do I honestly want to see horrific pictures of myself as a billboard for say… pregnant ladies and abortion clinics when in fact it was just a photo of me after a large Mexican meal and the “bulge” is actually a plate of refried beans I had previously wolfed down? Come on now…lets leave this shit to people like Rihanna, Paris, Oprah okay?


Then another caller calls, she works for some huge developer company and told the radio DJ’s that Facebook, among other high profiled companies are subsidized by the government of the United States and the information that they want is so they can keep a good tab on their citizens as well as the general world populace. I mean who wouldn’t? You’re essentially a type and click away from Stalkersville, I know exactly what my exes, ex friends, past teachers, employers are doing on a daily basis. I usually know when so and so just made dinner or so-and-so just broke up with her boyfriend on Friday, went out drinking with her best guy friend on Saturday and they ended up sleeping together by Sunday. I mean SHIT people post EVERYTHING on Facebook. And then there’s the girls that wear little to nothing, trying to show off their goods and boost their low self-esteem, knowing very well that any of their friends can go in, copy and paste their shit to the world and of course now Facebook will give your picture to other sources. Anyways, because I’m tired, I have a point to this thread! I am deciding if I should just delete all the crap off my Facebook. I know I have some messed up drunken photos that I rather not get into the hands of the public, no NOT nudies, but like me licking a cartoon girl with her legs spread apart on my friend’s torso when we were really really drunk. Ya…okay lets not go there.


But creepy, to know that even though we can delete our account, pictures or whatever, it’s still on the Facebook server. Oh ya a caller called in, he said he deactivated his account and deleted it a year ago, went back to get his account and found out his account is still up with everything the same….YOWSERS!

1) Don’t get lychee martini on your John Lobbs, a cigarette hole on your Prada jacket when at a bar and whatever you do DO NOT drop your favourite Marc Jacob bag in the toilet.

2) It really helps to be successful, rich, and good looking while in times of a Recession.


1) So my friend Rainer and I have been once again exchanging e-mails. He’s apparently getting a new car. Normally I don’t have a problem with people getting new cars, even for people like him who owns enough luxury cars for 3 families. Okay no it’s not because there’s a general world economic crisis that’s going on that’s made me question his purchasing behavior, but it’s the fact that just less than 6 weeks ago when I went on a $2K shopping spree with him on shoes, he was just telling me about his upcoming plans. Pretty much it was leaving his job and live the life of an ivy leaguer for the next 2 years, hitting on supple varsity girls, partying and forking out HUGE $$ for his MBA at a prestious school like Harvard or something. I mean why wouldn’t he? He got over 96% on his GMAT and a load of cash. After that I believe he wanted to just spend some time in Europe being a successful business guy by day and a playboy by night. Yes I know…*eye roll* So naturally when I heard about his new ideas of getting a new car, I just had to probe a bit, so that lead us to a lengthy exchange of e-mails and messages via blackberry. So in one of the e-mails he tells me about these killer John Lobb shoes we saw and never got due to sizing issues. Let me tell you, we spent most of the day there trying on the same pair over and over, those shoes were pure sex and neither him or I was ready to leave empty handed…but we did, until we got to the actual John Lobb store and he left with over $2KUSD of shoes (2 pairs to be exact). Rainer apparently bought a third pair without me, the same pair that he and I were drooling over. The email goes further into his woes…

…About 2 hrs after I bought them I went to a bar and someone spilled a lychee martini leaving a small but permanent spray pattern in the leather. Whoops. I shall remember never to wear my lobbs to bars. ;). The next week someone burned a cigarette hole thru my favorite prada jacket. I shall remember to always coat check. You see I’m still picking up life lessons.

Then the email goes into how his buddy from France had come to visit him for 3 days. Just hearing that I knew it was major trouble. Whenever his buddy and him get together, you know there’s always something going down that night. Rainer had met this guy in Germany at some bar, yes, the same bar where the men and womens’ washroom is only separated by hanging mirrors and a waterfall. Anyhoo, Rainer offered this guy an interning job and this friend who we shall call Victor, accepted and he was in Rainer’s city for 3 months “working” together. Well they did work in the day and at night they partied and slept with every single girl in the city…naturally. Victor is some debutante in France, his parents own some huge company in Switzerland and they’re well known in their professional field, his best friend is this famous girl crooning singer in France (think the JT of France). For some odd reason unknown to mankind, Victor looks up to Rainer in ways that makes me think that Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist were actually best friends instead of lovers. But I digress.


I responded back to the email with my sad story of placing my Marc Jacob bag on the built in ledge in the bathroom stall of this ritzy restaurant I was at and when I turned around to do my business *PLOP* my leather bag falls in the damn toilet!! Talk about being choked!


2) So what gives? My friend Rainer is living large still even when the suicide toll is rising daily in some parts of the business world. Hmm I think I’m going to sleep on this one before I write more…