Victoria Grace Nation

According to dictionary.com

change [cheynj] Show IPA verb, changed, chang⋅ing, noun
noun

1. to become different: Overnight the nation’s mood changed.
2. to become altered or modified: Colors change if they are exposed to the sun.


Changes happen all around, at the most seemingly random places or when you’re least expected. One day we’re perfectly healthy, the next we could be lying on our death beds. One moment we could be going in to work, the next finding out that you have won 49 million dollars. Changes come big and some come small, but nonetheless it happens all around us.


Why can’t we just live in the moment? Why can’t I?


…until it’s too late.


It’s usually the smallest decisions that make the greatest impact. For now it seems as though my whole life is going through some erratic changes, the new chapter that’s unfolding before my eyes, but at the same time it’s still the same. The scenery is the same, but the colours are different…more vibrant.


People are leaving my life left and right, but at the same time some are slowly being introduced into it. No matter if it’s through the departure of death, fallouts, lifestyle changes or what not, others will always arrive in the forms of birth, introduction, and simple ripening of affinities.


Until the end of my journey with whoever or whatever, I will appreciate the things I have and the people that are around me.


Change is like Life. It keeps going and happening even if you’re not ready for it.

Over the last little while life’s serendipitous occurrences have thrown me into a spiraling tumble. While unbeknownst to me I became a nonsensical Houdini to my own emotions and actions, extricating myself from all those who cared and into the open arms of recklessness. In the midst of family affairs, personal demons and the everlasting impression of the impermanence of death and sickness, I found my compassion.


I use to find security and esteem in a selected few around me, constantly seeking their undivided attention; always demanding, always craving their constant acknowledgment. Like a spoiled princess, I over-analyzed and got upset when their reaction to my scenarios didn’t match up to what I had preconceived. I was selfish and full of ego. I wanted to understand the actions of others and would have predestined them to fail in ever satisfying my chameleonic mood swings. But when you find yourself unable to sit, walk, or even feed yourself, you start to appreciate the people around you and understand the impermanence of life.


We’re all human beings going through the same emotions, but like the DNA in our genes we too express ourselves differently. Some people grieve in silence while others wail in agony; others show their care and concern by calling everyday, while others show it by a simple nod of the head. I fully understand not just the theory of that now, but the actual understanding of that concept. By feeling the excruciating pain of sickness and the unconditional love of family, I learned a little compassion by putting myself in someone else’s shoes, finally comprehending the difference in others and seeing the ignorance we, as human beings have.


Petty incidents seem measly to me and all my burning fiery have been diminished by the waves of understanding I feel. My grade 7 teacher once told me that she never held any grudges nor did she leave arguments unsettled for the night, simply because we never know what could happen to us and any moments we create with one another could always be our last. It’s true isn’t it? We could never fully wager on the impermanence of life.


I struggle to remind myself now that the only people we can change and blame is ourselves. To change the way we act and think of others and to blame ourselves for the ignorance we hold our views, and that is my awakening of my compassion.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, I guess you can say I’ve been caught in a heavy storm and still tumbling through it as we speak. It’s been 3 months and I’m still sick, this flu doesn’t seem to want to leave me completely. I’m due for an x-ray and getting some blood work done. The nurse and I joked around today calling me my own little pandemic. I call it my customized Swine Flu minus Mexico.


I’ve been brewing in my own worst nightmare the last little while, slowly marinating in the bloody fumes of personal demons and exploding situations. The short trip I took changed many aspects of my life that I never knew would happen. I almost feel as though I live a life of a secretive Superhero. I go through life as me, the same bubbly person, the same friends, then stuff happens, I have to do what I have to do and I can’t tell anyone else whats going on. You can’t tell you Superhero family about your bubbly mundane life and you can’t ever tell the people in your daily life about the life saving life you lead and there you try to balance, like some bloody breakfast diet.

I feel as if I’m twirling and spinning in a room of glass and mirrors, I reach out to the many figures I see to catch my fall. But nobody does. Then I realize the only people in the room is me and my reflection.


My Aunt’s Father died, we were really close, he was a famous restaurant owner and food was his life, he always made sure I tried the best combination of simple foods. When we called, the family was at the hospital and they were trying to resuscitate him.


Death is inevitable. The parting of loved ones is inevitable. And hurt is inevitable.


Change is good, it’s what got me here and will get me there, but the changes the past little while has been anything but easy. Waking up everyday to the sounds of someone you love crying, trying to put up a strong front, dealing with changing emotions, and constantly taking the blame for everything. I don’t ask for much, just so it’s bearable, just so I can have at least one friend, a person that I can find comfort in without feeling unwelcomed, like a burden, like an obligation, used when needed, someone to go to for reassurance and neglect when the need is gone.


I’ve begun to deactivate my life for a bit, no more Facebook, no more MSN, maybe in time things will heal and someone that cares enough will come forward, dust off the dirt and say “Hey…everythings going to be okay. Let’s go throw this ball around and talk it out.”

I was told on two separate occasions, by two very different people of a habitual tendency I had. Always slightly aware, but never fully. For as long as I can remember, I have never fully been ’single,’ for more than 3 months. I’ve always had one person lingering around in my life or on my mind. I’m not saying I’m dependent on someone, actually quite the contrary. I love my independence and thrive to be more independent. But when it comes to relationships I seem to linger on and on and on and on and…


Pathetic? Ya a bit… Sentimental? Totally!


It seems I have been stuck in this cycle where I find someone else to help me get over another.


I always meet them at random places too, the gym, outside a shopping mall, coffee shop, friend’s exes, it’s as if they all come creeping out of their dark dwelling places.


This time around, I need to stop doing that. Armor On! Now let’s hope nobody walks into my life during this vulnerable time.


I highly doubt it!

Energy
i wish i could rip out a page of my memory
cuz i put to much energy in him and me
can’t wait til i get through this phase
cuz it’s killing me
to bad we can’t re-write our own history


such a mystery when he’s here with me
it’s hard to believe i’m still lonely
chances fading now, patience running out
this ain’t how it’s supposed to be


*i’m having nightmares from sleeping with the enemy
how do we reverse the chemistry?
i don’t want us to be the end of me
this love is taking all of my energy
energy, my energy
taking all my energy
energy, my energy
taking all of (my energy)


seems only like yesterday, not even gravity
could keep your feet off the ground when you go to me
how can two be as one
we’ve become to divided now
there’s no use hiding from my misery
such a mystery when he’s here with me
it’s hard to believe i’m still lonely
chances fading now, patience running out
this ain’t how it’s supposed to be


now i can feel a change in me
and i can afford a slippage
from the person i was meant to be
i’m not afraid to move alone
not give it up but moving on
before it gets to deep
cause your taking all of my energy

The past couple days have been non-stop bitchfest from my girlfriends. “Oh you could do so much better!” “What an asshole! Don’t you even think about talking to him, even if he talks to you first, which he won’t because assholes don’t do that” “Oy…I don’t even want to say anything about this one.” so on and so forth, ya you get the picture.


Come on guys I’m trying! I spent my morning in peace and content today, then early afternoon came when he usually texts me and *BAM* I’m hit with that dreadful “I miss you” feeling. 3 things come to mind when I get into one of those modes.


1.Call him.
2.See him.
3.Text him.

Luckily I did none of the above, although the whole driving to his place and seeing him has been like a plaguing disease. Yes I know, I’m absolutely dumb and moronic. I keep having the tiniest hope that everyone (including me) have been completely wrong about him and maybe, just maybe he really did like me deep down and he’s not just like the rest of them.


I find myself listening to a bunch of meaningful songs. It’s great. Of course checking my MSN list every song and of course seeing him online. I swear I die a little everytime I see him online and know that he is probably there laughing at me and enjoying himself sitting there, playing video games, listening to music and forgetting about me already. Ack. o.O I’m going to go catch the telly so I don’t have to keep checking.

Ooh these words sum what i feel right about now…yes this is my road to recovery folks!

Have you ever felt like you were bursting with feelings and emotions, but had no one to tell it to? I feel as though I’m caught up in such a complicated situation that’s created a web of tangled tales that I have nobody to really tell all of it to. Hmmm.

I went a little weak in the knees when I saw you in your jacket and cashmere sweater on the busy intersection that winter night. You looked like a Brad Pitt on the silver screens. You simply took my breath away.


I overheard you talking to the boys about your new purchases. I’m in complete mush thinking about you in them. What have you been doing to me? We keep playing these games. Ack. o.O


My stomach is in knots right now, I really should give you a call right about now…

——

Okay I was just talking to a good friend and really he just made me want to get back into my intense dancing training days! YA. This is it! I should totally get back into it! Okay…that’s all I have to say! =P

That’s what I feel like I’m on. Going 200km/hour, floating on thin air, zooming into counterflow traffic. I find my steps to be light and happy today, but yet my mind has been in deep contemplation and it seems like it’s heavily contradicting itself.


Last night ’til now I’ve been e-mailing back and forth with my tiny source of entertainment. Living vicariously through someone else in dire times is fun. There’s a person I know very well, he’s an expatriate living in exotic lands for work, making millions, and living the life of the usual socialite, hot models included. It’s been months since we’ve last talk and due to his sudden visit to my city, we’re back on communicating terms. He’s been filling me in on his life and I must say, there’s nobody else in this world besides him and his elite group of friends that will go around th world, wherever their boredom takes them, have sex with hot models with hot model boyfriends and come back to a note from their maids saying they have resigned. Oh Snap.


I spent the morning walking downtown in the beautiful fall weather. I really needed to get many things straightened out. My decisions keep twisting and turning like tangled thorns and weeds. How could it be so beautiful out and yet a sandstorm in our minds? Don’t get me wrong, I’m quite happy today, I feel aquitted with the matters at hand. Now I just need to tie the loose ends on a certain matter, a certain person. Double check and inspect the process with a friend and mend the gap and frustration with my family.

What have I become in the past week?


Deceit, lies, treacherous acts, hidden secrets, the conniving, the scheming, the heartache, the emotions.


My capabilities scare me. The way I can lie without blinking an eye. The way I can just change my world around me in one swift move.


You came and went like a rainbow after the rain.
The excitement of seeing it, the realities of it fading, and the memories of the storm,
Trying hard to savor the moment, knowing the only way it’ll last is by capturing it in my mind.


What I thought is now disseminated into countless pieces of contradicting reasons. I feel as though my hearts been held on by countless hands and it’s being pulled in all directions. My reactions have been ruthless and ruthlessly deceitful.


I’ve arrived at the middle of a junction on the road, not knowing which way to take. My choices expanding all around me, with the boundaries of right and wrong blurred. I feel so lost within my reasoning. Who have I become?


“It’s not a bird, not a plane, It’s my heart and it’s going gone away”


I hate all of you so much.