Victoria Grace Nation

There’s always that transition period from casual dating to honeymoon phase to long-term relationship. For women, it’s hard, we go from waxing our legs, dousing ourselves with fragrance, puting on our faces, to showing the TRUE side of us, the burping, farting, pooping slobs that we truly are.

I still remember my transitioning period, the strategic step-by-step ways to have him accept me as a defecating human being. It’s always easy for men to start passing gas around you, the next step is to have him poop, give that a few weeks (less if you’re staying at his place for 3+ days a week already). Soon he’ll be wondering why you never pass gas or has sensed you pooping.

I was lucky, he had wanted me to pass gas in front of him, it was like a wide open door for me to trample on through, but I’m not THAT dumb.

On one of our trips to the grocery store, I picked up my usual magazine and we headed home, this time, instead of leaving it on the coffee table, I discreetly put in in the bathroom on top of his pooping materials. It’s perfect! Subtle, yet still being quite straight forward. Of course I still don’t let him catch me, the magazine is still there almost in immaculate conditions (no shit stains, pee droplets, or worn out corners…we’re not barbarians ladies).

From then on, things just fell into place, although my case of food poisoning did help a bit.

But with a box of matches neatly tucked away in the bathroom and a small bottle of perfume, he’ll never know what hit him until it’s time. The makeup I put on became less and less, i extended my shaving/waxing schedule one day at a time. Soon I was back to my old nasty self, and him fully accepting me not as the non-farting, non-burping, always perfectly eye lined girl that I was, but Victoria, the normal pooping, sweating, human being that I naturally am. =D

“5 Things it Means When He Says He Wants Space” was a link sent to me from a friend via e-mail. Thought I’d share.


1. He’s scared.
This I can say for certain. Whether he’s scared because he’s too much in love and is losing himself, of because he’s afraid he’s going to end up married to someone he doesn’t want to be married to, or because, like me, relationships can just plain scare him, I can’t say for certain.

2. Yes, he may want to break up.
The hard truth is that this is what it seems: a break-up with training wheels.

3. He wants to make sure he’s in control.
This is a really selfish thing, and something I’m guilty of. But sometimes men just want to make sure that they are in control of a relationship because not being in control is a feeling that makes them very uncomfortable. It’s the same reason you put the brakes on when you’re driving or skiing or riding a bike downhill: control.


4. He’s trying to be honest.
While, yes, asking for space can be selfish. And hurtful. And really kind of evil. There’s also something a tiny bit noble about it. He needs some time to think about what he wants. And he’s being strong enough to ask for it.

5. What it may not mean is that this is the end.
There’s something holding him back from breaking up. Or else he’d have said, “It’s not me, it’s you … can I have my keys back?” Maybe it’s that he truly does suspect (as it was in my case) that it’s him, and not you.

An article I got from today’s Dating Chronicles by Sarah Rowland on 24 Hours Newspaper. I left out most of the yak yak stuff and here it is…in CLIFF NOTES.


8 Signs that he’s Just That Into You:


1] They Phone It In
They call when they say they’re going to call – no ifs ands or buts. It seems basic enough, but it’s very indicative of where you rank on that person’s list of priorities. Being too busy to call is like being too busy to eat – it just doesn’t happen.


2] Texting Sweet Nothings
It says, “you’re on my mind.” Plus, it always seems to bring a silly little grin to your face.


3] Ringers Love
Remember when people only had landlines and they gave you their full attention over dinner? That’s the
way it should be when you’re hanging out face to face with a new love interest. No texting.No checking messages. And no dialing out. If they’re into you, you won’t even know what kind of ring tone they have until the third or fourth date.


4] PDAs are Cool
Granted, some people just aren’t down with public displays of affection, no matter how much they dig you. So if your date doesn’t want to tongue you in the middle of a crowded restaurant, you can probably let that slide. But if your new date jerks his/her hand away when you reach for it under the table,
then it may be time to show him/her the door. See, it’s very primal: Man. Woman. Like to touch. If someone fights this natural instinct, then they’re holding back.


5] Not Cheap With The Ride
If someone wants to hook up with you, they will pick you up. And if he/she doesn’t have a car (which is even hotter in this ecoconscious era), they’ll meet you in your hood. The point is your new date wants to see you and is willing to go out of his/her way to do so.


6] Say My Name
There’s just something really sweet about the way a new date works your name into conversation a lot. So if your name just seems to roll off his/her tongue naturally, then chances are that person is really proud to have you by his/her side.


7] All Night Long
New sex should not be a one shot deal, in which he blows his load, rolls over and and starts snoring like a warthog. The sexual itinerary for a fresh couple (especially on the weekend), should look something like this: Rabid multi-positional sex after dinner, followed by some sneaky, sleepy backdoor sex in the middle
of the night, and finished off with a full-on slow jam in the morning. Anything less is unacceptable
because after the honeymoon period is over, it won’t be long before you’ll be down to one muffled missionary session while the kids watch Saturday morning cartoons. So as the late, great Marvin Gaye would say, “Let’s get it on.”

So I was listening to another one of my radio shows while driving home today and they came up with a list of stuff guys can do to snag the girl. I’m a girl and I’ll bite. Here’s the list and the reasons that she’ll take the bait (reasons why it’ll work by yours truly):


[1] Take her to a Museum/Gallery Opening.
It’ll show her that you can be sophisticated and have class. It’s perfect atmosphere to have a flowing conversation, but it’ll be busy enough for you to stay quiet when you have nothing to say, you can just pretend like you’re admiring the art and think of something quick to say! There’s usually free booze around and you know what that means!! Great ice breaker of course! And if the date goes bad, there’s other girls you can meet there!


[2] Take her Star Gazing.
Take a big blanket, some wine, some aphrodisiac kicking treats and spend the time star gazing and have her cuddle up close to you. It’s cheap….$12 for wine, $5 max for gas…you just need to find a deserted place, park and have her sit on the hood of your car if there’s no field or beach. Some light to set the mood and voila! Girls dig all that emotional, romantic shit and if not she’ll appreciate learning something from you, so make sure to at least know what the Big Dipper is! And yes $12 on wine is sort of above said budget, so I suggest you take a bottle of your room mates stashed alkie.


[3] Be in a Band.
Girls dig guys in a band. The DJ mentioned Mick Jagger getting poon, and all because he’s in the Rolling Stones! I mean have you seen the man?! I wouldn’t call him the “sexiest” man alive…or ever and yet….he still got an abundant amount of lovin’ from the ladies. So uh ya apparently the DJ’s suggested you “lie” or fake a band…hmm….riiight. I think they’re trying to say that girls dig the whole, fame, power, money thing…ya I know girls are shallow gold diggers…okay MOST girls!! =P


[4] Perfect an Accent.
Girls dig accents, so find a “cool/sexy” accent and make sure you sound bloody good. I’m not being racist, but from my knowledge most Asian accents should be avoided. Not saying Mohinder, Vu Truong, or Lee Ping Xiao didn’t get the ladies, just saying when it comes to accents, Fabio the Italian Stallion, Alexandre the French lover, Demetrius the Greek God, or Aidan the Aussie guy just come off as “sexier” to most girls. Think about it. I mean can you imagine a Russel Peters looking at you seductively and in his thick brown accent say “Sombebady gunna get huyt real baad tonight”


[5] Offer her a Ride.
NO not ride you! Geez…dirty minds! Offer her a ride somewhere or back home, it comes off as a chivalrous act and subconsciously makes a girl feel like a princess. Of course this gives you more time to chat with her over some light background music, anything works but rap because nobody likes listening to “slap that bitch and watch her shiver, cuz I got them grills in gold n’ silver” or heavy rock is not suggested either “i cut myself every night to see you bleed, I wish I was 6 feet under” sure doesn’t come off as sane. Of course once you get her home there’s always that invite upstairs for some…uh..coffee.


Alright I’m tired, I know I know I still have all these posts I haven’t posted!

Date is set: Saturday, June 27th, 2009.

I was just informed about this. I’m still digesting the news. Apparently he went in on the weekend and booked everything. And the person that’s in charge of the reception? A family friend of mine! He has no idea! Good god.


Okay truth is, my friend’s best friend is getting married that night. The thing is, my friend’s best friend doesn’t want the venue to be booked up by another wedding reception (it’s a big venue). So what they did was, my friend went into the restaurant yesterday and made a huge deal about getting married, looked at menues and wrote down his name and my name (due to an inside joke). So now I’m getting married. The Manager in charge is a close family friend of ours and he would roll over if he knew that the name is actually me!


Oy…

Men, to women are sometimes a big ball of confusion and vice versa. And since I like to people watch, I like to disseminate and analyze the men of our world. So this weekend while I was out shopping, something happened to me yet again.


It was a busy Saturday afternoon at the mall, high school kids were swarming in bunches through every crevice and corner of the shopping haven. Families were out and about with annoyed Mothers trying to breast feed their youngins while frantically trying to spot their husbands in the electronic demo crowed. Christmas in in less than a month and being in the mall on a weekend feels like a stroll down Times Square in New York during New Years Eve. Okay I’m exaggerating maybe a teeny tiny bit, but really if you compare it to any normal day, that’s how most people would feel! Okay I digress. I was lining up for a cup of fresh squeezed carrot, apple, celery with Mr. Verliezer Brein, when I noticed a cute brown haired, blue eyed boy standing behind Mister VB with a girl. They were obviously waiting for their drinks as well. As Rebecca Bloomwood would say “I did a Manhattan once over” on the two and I slightly lingered my eyes a bit longer at that boys face. Oh snap. He noticed. Of course I act cool and look away, and start chatting with Mr VB while we waited, but even as I was talking I can feel this guy’s eyes on me. I dared to glance over at him again and yup he was staring right at me. Our gazes met for about 4 seconds before I broke the intent gazing. They say that if eye contact is made for more than 3 seconds, a strong sense of communication is made and hence why some business practitioners and speed daters learn this trick. Anyways so this boy and I shared a short intimate stare even though it was obvious that we were both with someone. But that’s not it! The stare is not the reason why it has compelled me to post about such a minuscule matter. It was clearly AFTER the stare and the chain event that took place that makes me go HA!


I looked away right? And at the same time Mr. VB’s drink was ready and before turning around and leaving I sneakily glanced over at that guy again and you know what he was doing?! He had taken his girlfriend into his arms and he was now kissing the top of her head and just showing lots and lots of affection when earlier while we were waiting for our drinks for a good 3-4 minutes, he was lazily lingering behind her a couple feet away looking all macho. It was as if he suddenly felt bad that he had just shared an intense moment with some stranger and was trying to comfort and affirm the fact that he indeed love his girlfriend. Like geebus! This seriously isn’t the first time I’ve noticed this. This isn’t like the stop, drop and stare situations where men check out hot girls and would crash their cars because a hot milf in a low mini skirt walked by. This was one of those sudden ‘caught off gaurd’ moments where you suddenly expose yourself to a stranger and for that split second you see into them. Okay I sound like some cheesy romance novelist right now is only because I watched Twilight last night (which I will be posting about later on).


But either way I am 100% certain this is some subconscious thing that men do.

Last night while driving to Johnny’s Aunt’s place, pass the windy, dark farm roads my phone started flashing red. It was my sister messaging me on the Blackberry. Something seemed wrong.

Sister: …Vic?
Me: Driving
Me: What’s wrong?
Sister: We broke up…Its hurting

What do you say to that? I mean what can you do when someone you love is hurting so much? Knowing very well the heartache of a fresh wound, there is no words or actions in the world that can take the overpowering feeling of grief away. But having to recently go through those same suffocating feelings, I couldn’t just say or not say anything.

Me: Aww Babe!
Me: Its okay just breathe. I know it hurts. I’m going through it too
Me: We’ll get through it together ok?
Me: I’ll be here if u need me. Call whenever k? Doesn’t matter when.
Sister: Thank you
Me: First 2 days are unbearable but it gets better. I just ry to breathe one moment at a time.
Sister: …Aint nothin’ but a heartache


…Aint nothin’ but a heartache those words reverberated in my head like an echo. It’s funny, I know that my sister is probably feeling 10x worse than I did and yet, it’s nothin’ but a heartache. Like a tummy ache it’ll go away eventually with the proper care.


I know she’s hurting terribly. But what else can I do? I have to let her go through the pain, which is a single person journey. It’s true though, you just have to breathe, stay busy and take a step back before saying or doing anything dumb.

So as of recent, Miss Victoria here has been seeing a guy. No not some blowup doll she bought at Daniel’s Sex Shop for $59.99! So I met this guy,who we will call Mr OR through mutual friends. I remember it was 2 years ago at a dinner party, but we never really talked, until a few months ago when we officially met at a casual gathering and started chatting it up. He’s about 6 feet tall, mixed ethnicity, naturally athletic built…yes pretty much like ALL the guys I know right? But really not really my type, but then again, I have gone out with some pretty “interesting” guys. *shudders*


Anyways we started hanging out quite a bit and then through some intentionally calculated incidents, we were somewhat “seeing each other?” That’s really the only term I can come up with to describe us. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed myself during the duration of our “seeing each other” phase. He’d make me dinner, even cut it up for me as well. He took notice of the little things I like or do, like how I like to take my water, hot and with a piece of lemon. He’d take note of certain songs I like and would (what he thought was) sneakily put on those songs whenever I was in his car. Whenever I was cold, he’d take his jacket off and let me wear it, even though he’d be shivering in the freezing cold. He tried everything to make me happy, even if it was going in his room and changing multiple times or trying on every single pairs of shoes he had on so I would smile in approval. He even shaved off his stubble when I made a note that he didn’t shave. This guy was a sweetheart.


Even though it was short, it was definitely sweet. I can honestly say he made me a better person even though it was short-lived. He tried his best to make me a better person, no matter if it was telling me to sleep early or reminding me to eat less because I told him I was getting fat. He made a schedule for me to work out with him so I can get back into shape. Whenever we were together, he always taught me something new with little factoids. Like, did you know that Sandford Fleming was a Canadian engineer who created Standard Timing for farming reasons? Whereas Sir Alexander Fleming was the dude who created Penicillin? See bet you didn’t know about Sandford! Okay yes, those are little useless facts, but hey! they’re good conversation starters.


He was great. But maybe not for me. We had complete opposite personalities and we lead completely different lives. I’d be flying a few times a year to the 4 corners of the globe and he’d be flying 4 times a year across town to pick up extra toilet paper. My family gatherings consist of religious rituals where his family gatherings consist of the usual sibling to parent bickers.


Ya maybe I got shafted in the end, and I am pissed because he decided to take the easy way out. Yes maybe I’m upset because he never really liked me and only needed an extra companion. But I know I’ll live (after the initial pain is gone and I start my 12 steps to healing)


Shock
Denial
Grief
Anger
Sorrow
Resignation
Wistfulness
Panic
Spite
Lust
Contentment
Joy


Oddly enough I’ve already gone through most of them in a span of 24 hours, usually 5 steps coming out at the same time. At this very moment I’m sort of at Contentment and Joy. I’m sure by tomorrow it’ll jump back up to Spite. Lust took over for a good 30 minutes this afternoon, almost driving myself to his place if he had answered my text message, oh well that just added to the fire of Resentment and Nervous Breakdown which seriously should be on there!


Did I like him? Of course! I wouldn’t be here writing this somewhat indecent blog if I didn’t! Do I miss him? Probably more than he’ll ever know. Am i going to get over it soon? Yes, I don’t associate myself with assholes. Am I secretly hoping he’d contact me so we can at least clear some air (if there is any air)? Yes! Am I hopeful that he actually will contact me in the next 2 days? Nope, not his thing. So am I planning on moving on and losing an amazing friend? Guess I am. Do I wish that my friend Dom or Eddie would call and pick me up so we can have one of our stupid all laughter, no tears night outs and a huge comforting bear hug? Wishing for that every second of the hour!


Anyways, I digress, this guy is one of those guys who make excellent long-term, totally committed, normal, settle down, have kids sort of relationships. For that I give him an 8/10

For our situation? Which would truly be a fucked up one…. 6/10? I’m feeling nice right now okay?

…How did it get so bad so fast?

4 hours late and I was still sitting in front of my computer staring at the screen expressionless in nothing but a black t-shirt and my underwear, hair wet, the melodic sound of John Mayer quietly playing in the background. The words “When you’re dreaming with a broken heart, The waking up is the hardest part” repeating in my mind. It’s true isn’t it? No matter if you’ve broken up with someone or they have broken up with you. The only relief you get from the heartache is when you’re asleep. The moment when you awake and reality suddenly hits you again, is probably the hardest moment, like a bolder falling from your heart down to the pit of your stomach.

(more…)

Dear You,

I know you’re a successful guy who has gone to school and worked hard to be in your position. I know 6 figures is hard to make. I mean, when we first met outside a shopping center I thought to myself “Shit, what a pervert, he’s probably trying to pick me up! You are sooo not my type! But shit! Is that your car over there? Nice! But still, sooo not my type!” I understand that you have a way with people, and anyone around you is magically swindled by your charm. Maybe it is your tall, model-like physique or the way you can shoot me a come-back without missing a beat. Maybe it’s how observant you are and how you seem to know whenever I am upset or sad. You never have to ask, and you know exactly what to do or say, or not to say. How is it that you know the proper etiquette in any social gathering or to always make or order the perfect amount, and the most scrumptious dishes and wine as well. Is it truly because you can manifest all my dreams into reality and sweep me off my feet and create the biggest butterflies in my stomach that I have ever felt? Then why don’t I miss any of those qualities about you?

All I seem to think about is how you wear the same $20 shirt and pants everyday you come home from work. The way you slurp water out from the tap to gurgle the toothpaste foam out of your mouth. The cute little murmurs and monologues you have with yourself when you sleep. The way you fall asleep to me curling your short hair around my fingers and massaging your head, while you drift off with a smile on your face. The way you hit the snooze button 3 or 4 times before jumping out of bed frantically and hitting the shower for work. Your choice of childrens’ cereal is so bad for you and you still eat it. The way you sit on the edge of the tub and watch me put on makeup like a little boy, while you scuffle your feet. Oh and how you never seem to let me go to work or out the door without a long hug or a kiss goodbye, even if I’ll only be gone for a few hours.

The truth is I thought I’d be all into your money, your power, your boyish good looks, just like the last few guys I’ve dated. I mean HELLO I AM ASIAN! But no, why did I (like the last guy-who was a moron by the way) fall deeply at the slightest nervous scuffle of your feet?

Am I stupid or simply idiotic?

Well, guess this is it. Good night.

Regards,
Victoria