Victoria Grace Nation

What’s More Important – Love or Commitment?
By: Amy Chan - www.amyfabulous.com

1.10.2012

“23. When you say, ‘I Love You’, you are making a promise to someone else’s heart. Try to honor it.”

I used to be such a starry-eyed believer of love. I thought that love conquered all – and that as long as you shared that feeling with someone, it meant that the relationship would last, In the theory of fairytales and movies, this may be the case, but in North American reality – not quite. Instead, love is only one of the many ingredients needed for a long-lasting partnership. But the concerning issue is – people put so much weight on the feeling of love, a feeling that inevitably changes, takes different forms and can get blinded easily.

A partnership is not just about the emotions and feelings of love. A partnership is about commitment, and being responsible to that commitment regardless of what the external variables of the time are. It’s about the commitment to choosing decisions that will serve the relationship even when it would “feel” better to not. Married or not married, when you decide to enter into a partnership with another, commitment means you act with integrity, respect and care –even when your emotions are telling you otherwise.

Because love isn’t enough.

Let me clarify, love, in the way most of us define it, isn’t enough. Love isn’t what makes you decide to not act out your desires when someone attractive starts showing you attention (and you haven’t had sex in months). Love is not what makes you apologize and give your partner a hug after an argument (even though inside you know you’re 100% right). Love is not what makes you weather the storm when disaster strikes (which it will).

Love is not what makes you decide to treat each other with kindness, respect and empathy during a breakup or divorce (you’d be surprised how quickly love can feel like hate at that time). No, it’s not love. It’s commitment.

It’s the responsibility to keeping your commitment. Not just to the other person, but to yourself.

Love, and that giddy feeling in your stomach may be what guides you when you’re feeling great about the apple of your eye. But what steers you when you’re going through an ebb, or a rough patch? Can you depend on love at that point?

Love isn’t rational. It can’t be controlled. If you allow a feeling that is so emotional and malleable dictate your behaviour, you’ll realise quickly that it only pans out when things are up, not when they’re down. Commitment on the other hand, will guide you through both. Commitment is not dependant on the heartstrings, it’s dependant on a conscious choice you make – and that, is something you have complete control over.

To me a commitment is what I promised and a commitment is what I plan on keeping. No matter what anybody says, what circumstances throw at me or what he chooses to do, I will hold the responsibility of respect, care, and integrity for what we had. No matter how angry, resentful, sad or unrequited with questions I get, I will not forget the many years of time spent together, I refuse to throw years of intimacy out the door due to my pride and ego. I refuse to turn my love into hate, from lovers to strangers to enemies. I have a responsibility to do the part I promised without judging or expecting what he will do. I can’t change or control how someone acts or feels. I can only control and change myself. I made a promise when I said I love you so that is what I owe him - my word.

I might not feel like this every second of everyday since I am only human and I feel just like everyone else, but I try hard to live by what I promised myself. I can take the easy way out, burn bridges, but how is that setting an example for my future offsprings? How do I become a good role model or parent when my kids go through the same thing? Is my behaviour acceptable in my eyes if the roles were reversed onto my kids? I use to handle life like a spoiled child, only thinking of myself and what is easier on me. But I’m not a child anymore, I have a responsibility to uphold and one of the biggest ones was giving permission for someone to entrust me with their heart, promising them love and commitment. Amy Fabulous was right, the commitment doesn’t end because the title is gone, just like the love you feel. My mother once told me when I was on the floor heaving in pain and crying, I hadn’t eaten nor slept, my heart physically hurt, my lungs refused to let me breathe, “If you truly loved him, you would let him go and allow him to be happy. This isn’t love right now, you cry not for him, you cry for yourself, because YOU can no longer be with him. If he is happier with you he will come back. If he doesn’t, then be happy that he found his happiness. THAT is love. True love for someone doesn’t necessarily mean that they will be with you, that’s selfish and love is not selfish. You can cry for someone all you want, but know they will never know the pain you feel, you are only hurting yourself and the people who are trying to love you right now and be there for you. Think about how he feels? He loved you, I can tell you without a doubt he did and there is no button that makes him turn it off, he is just human, just like you and me. He feels too. He is hurting as much as you, don’t hate or judge him by his actions. Love and accept him like you accepted his flaws.” No it’s not easy to do it and I want to give up and take the easy way out all the time, unfriend him on facebook, stop talking to our mutual friends, cut him out of my life, get my friends to pick up my things, plan mass vandalizing attacks to his house and tell the world of how unjust it has all been (okay thats only during my really crazy depressed days :p) but I stop and I ask myself:

Why do you want to do this?
Because I’m in pain.
Why are you in pain?
Because I lost him.
Why does it hurt losing him?
Because I love him.

Because I love him. And that is what keeps going forward, moving on, without vengeful acts or burning bridges. I can choose to make my life easier by hiding him from my life but denying him from being a bigger person is belittling yourself, it will go against the commitment you promised eachother. For me, I took his contacts off my list on gtalk so I don’t have to be reminded of him when I go online, but never once blocking him. I deleted him off msn messenger, but never blocking him. I unsubscribed to his feeds on Facebook, but never unfriending him. I deleted his phone number on my phone so I won’t be tempted to check his whatsapp, but never blocking his number. I might be in pain but I will never screen his calls. I hide and delete to make my life easier as I transition. Blocking, unfriending and screening his calls would be a selfish act of denial of the problem and that is going against the commitment I made. How can someone you loved so deeply at some point, who you thought you could marry suddenly not be worthy of friend status in the future when feelings have faded, why deny each other of that when they are entitled.

I must say breakups are harder in this day and age with all the technological links we have (facebook, whatsapp, messenger, aim, etc), whereas 30 years ago, all you had to do was be alert at mutual hangout spots and rip up his phone number.

The best way to get over a breakup is to start a new relationship. No, not alcohol!!

With yourself! I love me. and having said that I will be committed in being a better part of me. I owe myself the respect, care and intergrity I seem to forget when in a relationship and what i seem to learn about myself as the number on my age goes up and through every hardship I endure. Now I know why 30 is the new 20. As you reach closer to 30, you learn more about yourself and the more assured you will feel.

A great article I found on hubpage.com

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS, THEY ARE OFTEN BEST, IF SOMETHING DOESN’T FEEL RIGHT, IT OFTEN ISN’T RIGHT AT ALL.

There are a number of reasons a guy can get distant (if you’re a girl that has more guy friends than girls or a woman with vast life experience under your belt, you may know this already).

Stress: It could be work related, the pressures of family life, being in a relationship, university deadlines etc.

Avoidance: he may be being distant as a form of avoiding a situation, which has nothing to do with you, but believes he must avoid you in order to avoid that problem because you may force cause or push him to face it.

Fear: perhaps he has noticed how needy he is becoming and he believes this might cause him to lose his independence, he probably likes you so much that it has just dawned on him how much he loves you or is falling in love with you and this might be to much for him. He may also fear the level of commitment or an increase in expectations you may have.

Cheating: yes it is quite possible that he maybe cheating, but being distant isn’t the only sign of infidelity. So fret not ladies.

There are a number of things you should and should not do:

NO-NOs

Wasting time worrying, it will do neither of you any favours, and he will sense that you’re worrying which will make him even more nervy and cold.

S-Mothering him: he needs your reassurance that he can handle this sitch like a man, he is not a baby, or your child.

Taking it personally: more than often it has nothing to do with you it can be work,friend,family related.

Trying solving it for him: it could put an end to your relationship, if he wanted you to solve he would have said so.

Playing mind games to get what’s going on out of him: he will no enjoy it and feel he may not be able to trust him.

Making a big deal out of it, when he does open up and talk.

Mode of Action

Giving him all the space he needs: if it’s a freedom, independence fear thing, he’d snap right back to you with time.

Loving the hell out of your man: he needs you now more than ever before.

Staying happy, hence the not worrying or game play to get him to talk.

Reassure him that you trust and believe him. Give him confidence let him know he can handle it.

Stay breezy/chilled out/calm when you’re together, if he retires to another room, keep it all happy and smiley where you’re at, he’d come out to feel the love. Positive energy is like a yawn.Contagious!

Set up some quiet time between the two of you, no distractions where he feels he can talk and he just might!
Something to Consider

Are you being too needy/demanding/clingy? This can lead to your guy getting a little distant.

Ladies, it’s all fixable, just beware it could be the worst case scenario- he’s ready to end it and is detaching himself so it won’t hurt when he’s leaving. It can be rough when your guy gets all cold but it can be handled, as soon as you spot it. Be brave it’s never always worst case scenario.

Written: Sa Toya

Realities of Life #1

”

Hard as it is to believe, yes. As your body uses oxygen, it produces free radicals that can damage cells and cause everything from aging to cancer. Antioxidants produced naturally by your
body and also found in your normal diet are usually enough to zap them. But a bout of heavy exercise can increase free radicals 10- to 20-fold, overwhelming your defenses.
If you’re a weekend warrior or wannabe marathoner, consider boosting your antioxidant intake with 500 milligrams of vita-
min C and 400 IU of vitamin E each day, says Jeffrey Blumberg, PhD, director of Tufts University’s antioxidants research lab.
On the other hand, if you work out 45 minutes to an hour several times a week, all you need is your five servings of fruits and veggies every day. That moderate level of exercise will gradually build up your antioxidant defenses.”

Reported By: Leslie Goldman
Source (pdf)

Foods high in antioxidants:
1. Fruits
Berries (Cherry, blackberry, strawberry, raspberry, crowberry, blueberry, bilberry/wild blueberry, black currant), pomegranate, grape, orange, plum, pineapple, kiwi fruit, grapefruit.
2. Vegetables
Kale, chili pepper, red cabbage, peppers, parsley, artichoke, Brussels sprouts, spinach, lemon, ginger, red beets.
3. Dry Fruits high in antioxidants
Apricots, prunes, dates.
4. Legumes
Broad beans, pinto beans, soybeans.
5. Nuts and seeds
Pecans, walnuts, hazelnuts, ground nut, sunflower seeds.
6. Cereals
Barley, millet, oats, corn.
7. Spices
cloves, cinnamon, oregano

Scientists as reported at the 238th National Meeting of the American Chemical Society in Aug 2009 have found that some vegetables and fruits like berries, grapes, walnuts, olives, and foods like chocolate, wine, coffee and tea and popcorn, and some breakfast cereals contain large amounts of healthful antioxidant substances called polyphenols.

Polyphenols play important role in reducing the risk of heart disease, cancer and other diseases.

Source

There’s always that transition period from casual dating to honeymoon phase to long-term relationship. For women, it’s hard, we go from waxing our legs, dousing ourselves with fragrance, puting on our faces, to showing the TRUE side of us, the burping, farting, pooping slobs that we truly are.

I still remember my transitioning period, the strategic step-by-step ways to have him accept me as a defecating human being. It’s always easy for men to start passing gas around you, the next step is to have him poop, give that a few weeks (less if you’re staying at his place for 3+ days a week already). Soon he’ll be wondering why you never pass gas or has sensed you pooping.

I was lucky, he had wanted me to pass gas in front of him, it was like a wide open door for me to trample on through, but I’m not THAT dumb.

On one of our trips to the grocery store, I picked up my usual magazine and we headed home, this time, instead of leaving it on the coffee table, I discreetly put in in the bathroom on top of his pooping materials. It’s perfect! Subtle, yet still being quite straight forward. Of course I still don’t let him catch me, the magazine is still there almost in immaculate conditions (no shit stains, pee droplets, or worn out corners…we’re not barbarians ladies).

From then on, things just fell into place, although my case of food poisoning did help a bit.

But with a box of matches neatly tucked away in the bathroom and a small bottle of perfume, he’ll never know what hit him until it’s time. The makeup I put on became less and less, i extended my shaving/waxing schedule one day at a time. Soon I was back to my old nasty self, and him fully accepting me not as the non-farting, non-burping, always perfectly eye lined girl that I was, but Victoria, the normal pooping, sweating, human being that I naturally am. =D

A lot of people have contacted me and asked me why I haven’t updated. I can tell you how busy I’ve been which is true. But really I’ve just been lazy and slightly suffering from writer’s block. Okay no it’s the laziness I have ideas and ideas for blogs but I’ve lost my pizazz….is that a word?

But I’ll be back with a few blogs posts.

So stay tuned!

I dabbled in song writing tonight. Oh ya…it’s wild alright.


So I’m surfing through a local forum I tend to visit and in this section called Speak It Out, members are asked to post anything on their minds about relationships. And this is how I responded to the following Speak It Out Posts:

Originally Posted by min.tee
Fuck it’s been 9 months since I got laid.

Originally Posted by Nvasion
id help you out but your a dude… sry

My Response:

What do you mean you can’t help him out cuz he’s a dude?!

1) you unzip your junk out of your pants
2) he bends and takes off his pants
3) you put your junk in his hole, and on the floor were his pants

Cuz it’s ur junk in his hole and on the floor are your pants, ooh on the floor is his pants, boy.

This is me jumping on the Megan bandwagon with the release of Transformers II: Revenge of the Fallen and her tiny, bouncy, tanned, silicone breasties and her plump lip injections. It’s insane how the topic of Megan or Transformers flooded the media, from Twitter to Facebook to every freakin’ entertainment news. So here it is people, some quotes I’ve assembled from various blogs. Enjoy!

Flipped on a fan who mistaken her for Jolie at a bar in Vancouver - May 2008

On her IQ: “I resent having to prove that I’m not a retard.” - Esquire June 2009

On sexuality: “I think people are born bisexual and then make subconscious choices based on the pressures of society. I have no question in my mind about being bisexual. But I’m also a hypocrite: I would never date a girl who was bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I’d never want to sleep with a girl who had slept with a man.” - Esquire

Her thoughts on Olivia Wilde: “I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl - Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She’s mesmerizing.” - GQ

Thoughts on Scarlett Johansson: “I don’t want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson – who I have nothing against, but I don’t want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I’ve ever learned to prove, like, ‘Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.’ I don’t want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I’m not a retard – but I do. And part of it is my own fault.” - Esquire
On her sex drive: “I have the libido of a 15-year-old boy.” - FHM

On her acting talents: “I’m terrible in [the first 'Transformers' movie]. It’s my first real movie and it’s not honest and not realistic. The movie wasn’t bad, I just wasn’t proud about what I did… If I really buckle down, I think one day I could be a very good actress. But so far, I haven’t done anything yet.” - Entertainment Weekly

On the media’s coverage of her life: “The other day I said I eat a lot of cake and that was the top story on Yahoo.” - GQ

On modesty and vengeance: “Well, I wasn’t topless. I had booby stickers on. They make these silicone stickers that go on over your nipple. If I’d been actually topless, I would have sued someone. But that’s a really unfortunate thing that happened. I know who [alerted the paparazzi] and I never did anything about it. It’s her karma to deal with, not mine.” - Entertainment Weekly

On digestion: “If you eat Chinese food, your farts come out like Chinese food. If you eat Mexican food, your farts come out like Mexican food. And milk, it’s like—you can smell the warmth in the fart. My wardrobe on ‘Transformers’ always smells like farts, and I have no idea why.” - GQ

On Angelina Jolie: “[Angelina Jolie] always seems otherworldly in her power and her confidence. I’m sure she has no idea who I am. But if I were her, I’d be like, ‘Who the f— is this little bulls— brat who was in ‘Transformers’ that’s going to be the next me?’ I don’t want to meet her; I’d be embarrassed.” - Entertainment Weekly

On living with her: “I’m horrible to live with. I don’t clean. My clothes end up wherever I take them off. I forget to flush the toilet. Friends will tell me, ‘Megan, you totally pinched a loaf in my toilet and didn’t flush.’” - FHM

On her sanity:“I think that I’m so psychotic and so mentally ill that if I could tap into that I could do something really interesting.”

On her looks:“Well, I’m clearly not ugly. “

On Zac Efron:“Zac Efron is my obsession, we’re the same person. We’re not actually here, it’s like Janet and Michael Jackson. He just puts on his wig and a dress, and it’s me, and you don’t know that. It’s one of the greatest mysteries of all time. “

On having friends:“I have no friends and I never leave my house.”

On who she’ll ask Megatron to take-out:“I think I would make a deal with him and say instead of the entire planet, can you just take out all of the white trash, hillbilly, anti-gay, super bible-beating people in Middle America?”

Midnight.06.24.2009.

Source:

“5 Things it Means When He Says He Wants Space” was a link sent to me from a friend via e-mail. Thought I’d share.


1. He’s scared.
This I can say for certain. Whether he’s scared because he’s too much in love and is losing himself, of because he’s afraid he’s going to end up married to someone he doesn’t want to be married to, or because, like me, relationships can just plain scare him, I can’t say for certain.

2. Yes, he may want to break up.
The hard truth is that this is what it seems: a break-up with training wheels.

3. He wants to make sure he’s in control.
This is a really selfish thing, and something I’m guilty of. But sometimes men just want to make sure that they are in control of a relationship because not being in control is a feeling that makes them very uncomfortable. It’s the same reason you put the brakes on when you’re driving or skiing or riding a bike downhill: control.


4. He’s trying to be honest.
While, yes, asking for space can be selfish. And hurtful. And really kind of evil. There’s also something a tiny bit noble about it. He needs some time to think about what he wants. And he’s being strong enough to ask for it.

5. What it may not mean is that this is the end.
There’s something holding him back from breaking up. Or else he’d have said, “It’s not me, it’s you … can I have my keys back?” Maybe it’s that he truly does suspect (as it was in my case) that it’s him, and not you.